LIV Golf Investments
Congratulations on overcoming the Phil Mickelson setback and getting your new golf tour off the ground.
Golf fans around the world were excited to hear the announcement of your eight-tournament schedule between June and October that each features $25 million in prize money.
There were gasps of astonishment when the PGA Tour’s Players Championship, the flagship event of the PGA Tour, announced a $20 million purse for its recently completed tournament, and then you turn around and one-up them big time with your events offering $25 million each.
Still waiting to hear about a TV contract, or sponsor affiliations, but I’m sure the Saudi backers of your tour aren’t too concerned about a return on their $200 million investment. Their money pit is reportedly rather deep.
Of course, the biggest concern is who will tee it up in your tournaments? Who will risk their professional reputation on what could be a fly-by-night operation, even if the pilots of the flying machine are made of money?
Mickelson will presumably be on hand, and a couple of Korn Ferry Tour players will be lured by the cash you’re offering, but if you’re waiting for the biggest names in the world of golf to sign up, your blond hair might turn grey before that happens.
Here’s where I can help. I’ll be willing to sign the appropriate documents to turn professional, giving up my chance for glory at amateur events in Canada, in order to help you fill your fields.
I understand last-place money is $92,000, with no cut and only 54 holes. I’ve been a single-digit handicap player most of my life, and I’m sure I could break 100 on the courses you’ve picked. No doubt my game is second-, third-, or even 14th-tier, but that ability level describes most of the other players you might attract, so I might fit in nicely.
There would be nothing more embarrassing for you to advertise 48-player fields and then get Phil and only a couple of dozen others offer their services to play.
A few guys like me might be needed to make sure you get 48 players in a tournament. See my bank information below to make sure the $92,000 last-place money is deposited into the proper account.
Oh, and one more thing: I can’t hit the ball too far anymore. Could you make sure I get to play the forward tees? I’ll accept a 10-per cent reduction of my prize money for your trouble.
Yours in golf,
• Dwight Perry of the Seattle Times: “Mikey Williams, a 6-foot-2 high-school junior basketball star in North Carolina, has landed a multiyear footwear and apparel endorsement deal with Puma. Heck, when we were 17 we thought having a paper route was cool.”
• Golf journalist Jason Sobel: “Viktor Hovland on once struggling to splurge for added guacamole and now playing for a $20 million purse: ‘That’s a lot of guac and double meat.’”
• Scott Hanson, on Twitter: “How’d ya like to be the guy who just bought Brady’s ‘last NFL TD ball’ at auction for $500,000?”
• Club Pro Guy, on Twitter: “That bogey/double bogey finish saved Keegan Bradley almost $800k in federal income taxes. There’s no better feeling.”
• Bob Molinaro of pilotonline.com (Hampton, Va.): “After learning that New Mexico State guard Teddy Allen has played for his fifth school in five seasons, some might wonder about his academic major. I’m guessing geography.”
• Molinaro again: “You know gas prices are high when even Tom Brady has to go back to work.”
• Blue Jays’ Vladimir Guerrero, Jr., on Toronto’s chances this year (via Sportsnet’s Shi Davidi on Twitter): “Last year was the trailer. Now you guys are going to see the movie.”
• Comedy writer Alex Kaseberg: “Yale has qualified for the NCAA tournament. Although Yale could use some work on their trash talking: ‘Your matriarch is an unrepentant Wordle cheater.’”
• Jack Finarelli at sportscurmudgeon.com, imagining a potential March Madness matchup: “We might see the Miami Hurricanes facing the Iowa State Cyclones in a battle of the natural disasters.”
• RJ Currie of sportsdeke.com: “Tom Brady decided to return and quarterback the Buccaneers just 40 days after he retired. That’s right, he unretired — what Brett Favre called the option play.”
• Headline at the onion.com: “Report: Secretly Watching March Madness During Work Way Less Fun Working Remotely”
• Janice Hough of leftcoastsportsbabe.com, via Twitter, after the Dodgers paid $162 million for Freddie Freeman and the Rockies $182 million for Kris Bryant: “Yeah, I can see why MLB needed to lock out players because the owners couldn’t afford to stay in business otherwise.”
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by Bruce Penton